Monday, January 2, 2012

Bachelor Review: Week 1

Ben is our bachelor. You know he’s the one who proposed to Ashley and she rejected him, but you didn’t really feel that sorry for him because you kind of felt like he dodged a bullet. Ya, it’s that guy.

He is cute with shaggy hair; he owns a vineyard and has absolutely no personality. If anyone can find a total drone of a guy, it’s you, ABC. Your generosity is astounding.

The episode starts with some glamour shots of our boy Ben. We particularly liked the orange tank top. (The only thing worse was Ed’s green shorty swimsuit… Do you remember?)

Then it quickly, oh wait this is the Bachelor, then it SLOWLY, moves to more glamour shots of Ben while being serenaded by David Grey’s This Year’s Love. So now I’m forced to hate roses and this, otherwise, pleasant tune.

Next we meet all the yucky, oh I mean, lucky girls. Some display their unique hobbies, while others reveal and let’s face it, embellish their sob stories. The horse rider girl showed us the text she received from her ex boyfriend. “Babe welcome to dumpsville, population you.” Well if this episode gives us nothing else, it will give Taylor Swift the lyrics to her next song.

Then we meet Courtney, the model, although you may have nick-named her Botox lips by now. Yes she seems like a very serious, intelligent young lady. Her story, “I’m a model and I think wedding rings look really amazing on me.” Well cancel the show, she’s ready to commit. The only reason marriages fall apart is because some girls just wear diamonds better than other girls. Duh, everyone knows that.    

Like always we have some really unique pick up lines coming out of the limo.

“I’m a law student, and you’re guilty of being sexy.” What was her number? She’s the first person I’m going to call when I need legal advice.

Then we’ve got a pageant girl. Yes, a pageant girl. But I will have you know she wants to be known for more than being just a pageant girl. Honey, let me give you a little advice, I think if you want to be known for being more than just a pageant girl, maybe don’t proudly wear the sash, just a thought.

I know what you’re all wondering. What was up with the Grandma? She came out of the limo, with the assistance of crutches, told Ben how much she loves him and then introduced him to her granddaughter. Well played, ABC, well played.

Then we have horse rider girl, who needs no limo, as she arrives on horseback.

The question is. Does the grandma card trump the horse card?

After the lucky ladies meet Benji, they immediately start planning weddings and rid all forms of contraceptives. “Ben and I would make such cute babies.” Only on this show would you see the guy again after saying shit like that.

“He’s so real and genuine, and sincere.” Yes he is real, if you mean in the sense that he is a human and not an animated fictional character.

Then we get right down to it, with a little alcohol, a lot of silicone, and plenty of spray tan the crazies come out.

We are introduced to a girl who sanitizes Ben’s hands and sprays some breath freshener in his mouth and gives him the first kiss of the night. Later she raps for him. No that wasn’t a typo, this shit actually happens.

Crazy episode number two gets a little racy when we find the biggest romance of night is between Monica and Blakley.

Jenna, yes another crazy, starts crying because Monica doesn’t like her. Oh Monica, you were born to break hearts.

I know Jenna is crazy, but should we give her a break and tell her that the Bachelor is Ben not Monica? Don’t worry; I’ll get Chris H. to clear this up for us.

At the end of the night the Baconater goes home and a bunch of other girls, only I don’t remember their names because they weren’t obsessed with their last names like our dear little Baconater was.


  1. i wont even have to watch it.. I will just read your blog.. too funny. We were at the gym and couldn't hear it! Love it:)
    tami jenson

  2. I want you to know I have never watched this show... I am too afraid it will suck really bad after all the posts you put on about it. I'll compare it to a "shart" if you will.. TOO good to be true.

  3. Yes if there was one season to miss it might be this one. Although there is another CRAZY from SLC, UT that you may have to tune in for. Either way I hope you'll keep stopping by.

  4. Wyatt Olsen I love him!
    12 hours ago · Like.

    Janice West Williams Bahaha! Well said Lindy! My thoughts exactly.
    12 hours ago · Like.

    Megan Woodbury Barker Two thumbs up to your review! I love the train wreck that is the bachelor (or pornography as Alan called it) but even more, I love your review of it and I'm excited for the weeks to come!
    12 hours ago · Like.

    Amy Ence Pratt I love this! I was actually disappointed when I found out it was Ben! But sick as it is, I still have to watch and after the reader at the end, who could resist? Can't wait to read what you have to say each week! Thank you for your honesty!
    12 hours ago · Like.

    Lindsy Bell I have a crush on him! Ps why is the crazy girls always from Utah???
    5 hours ago · Like.

    Katy Cheal Sampson Well done Lindy:)
    4 hours ago · Like.

    Sarah Reale Lind, I never watch. I was flipping back and forth last night between the football game. OMG. Those women! They make women everywhere look like idiots. I don't know how you stand this stuff! Seriously.
    4 hours ago · Like.

    Jennie Kunz Ha ha ha!!!
    4 hours ago · Like.

    Deana Skinner I always look forward to tuesdays! Thx for the fun!

  5. Ladies, Thanks for all the FB love. You know I only do these reviews for you!

  6. Lindy,
    I love it. You call it like you see it, and that's what I love about you.
    All I have to say is I found myself calling some of the girls in this episode a bad word that starts with a "C" out loud as I watched. I couldn't help it, they were acting like C-words.

  7. It's not your fault for yelling out obscenities during episodes like this...

  8. Melanie Jardine Grace-- Your blog totally makes me happy. I'm glad someone else is writing what I'm thinking!
    20 hours ago · Like

  9. Hahaha!! Love it. Sad to have missed watching it with you

  10. I just watched this crazy train today. Holy what....the...??? These girls are a nightmare.

  11. As always your review was more entertaining than the actual show.

  12. I've watched almost every season of this god-forsaken show because I had the bad fortune of landing on the the very first episode of the very first season while channel surfing. Now it's an obligation, like getting my tetanus booster.

    The date conversations are never sparkling, but Ben has to be THE WORST CONVERSATIONALIST IN BACHELOR HISTORY.

    I stopped by from Write on Edge, but had to check out your Bachelor recaps too. I accidentally read your week 2 recap (it takes me a few days to work up the energy now that ABC insists on every damn episode being two hours long) and now I'm thinking I'm good for this week.