Bachelor Review: Week 1

Ben is our bachelor. You know he’s the one who proposed to Ashley and she rejected him, but you didn’t really feel that sorry for him because you kind of felt like he dodged a bullet. Ya, it’s that guy.

He is cute with shaggy hair; he owns a vineyard and has absolutely no personality. If anyone can find a total drone of a guy, it’s you, ABC. Your generosity is astounding.

The episode starts with some glamour shots of our boy Ben. We particularly liked the orange tank top. (The only thing worse was Ed’s green shorty swimsuit… Do you remember?)

Then it quickly, oh wait this is the Bachelor, then it SLOWLY, moves to more glamour shots of Ben while being serenaded by David Grey’s This Year’s Love. So now I’m forced to hate roses and this, otherwise, pleasant tune.

Next we meet all the yucky, oh I mean, lucky girls. Some display their unique hobbies, while others reveal and let’s face it, embellish their sob stories. The horse rider girl showed us the text she received from her ex boyfriend. “Babe welcome to dumpsville, population you.” Well if this episode gives us nothing else, it will give Taylor Swift the lyrics to her next song.

Then we meet Courtney, the model, although you may have nick-named her Botox lips by now. Yes she seems like a very serious, intelligent young lady. Her story, “I’m a model and I think wedding rings look really amazing on me.” Well cancel the show, she’s ready to commit. The only reason marriages fall apart is because some girls just wear diamonds better than other girls. Duh, everyone knows that.    

Like always we have some really unique pick up lines coming out of the limo.

“I’m a law student, and you’re guilty of being sexy.” What was her number? She’s the first person I’m going to call when I need legal advice.

Then we’ve got a pageant girl. Yes, a pageant girl. But I will have you know she wants to be known for more than being just a pageant girl. Honey, let me give you a little advice, I think if you want to be known for being more than just a pageant girl, maybe don’t proudly wear the sash, just a thought.

I know what you’re all wondering. What was up with the Grandma? She came out of the limo, with the assistance of crutches, told Ben how much she loves him and then introduced him to her granddaughter. Well played, ABC, well played.

Then we have horse rider girl, who needs no limo, as she arrives on horseback.

The question is. Does the grandma card trump the horse card?

After the lucky ladies meet Benji, they immediately start planning weddings and rid all forms of contraceptives. “Ben and I would make such cute babies.” Only on this show would you see the guy again after saying shit like that.

“He’s so real and genuine, and sincere.” Yes he is real, if you mean in the sense that he is a human and not an animated fictional character.

Then we get right down to it, with a little alcohol, a lot of silicone, and plenty of spray tan the crazies come out.

We are introduced to a girl who sanitizes Ben’s hands and sprays some breath freshener in his mouth and gives him the first kiss of the night. Later she raps for him. No that wasn’t a typo, this shit actually happens.

Crazy episode number two gets a little racy when we find the biggest romance of night is between Monica and Blakley.

Jenna, yes another crazy, starts crying because Monica doesn’t like her. Oh Monica, you were born to break hearts.

I know Jenna is crazy, but should we give her a break and tell her that the Bachelor is Ben not Monica? Don’t worry; I’ll get Chris H. to clear this up for us.

At the end of the night the Baconater goes home and a bunch of other girls, only I don’t remember their names because they weren’t obsessed with their last names like our dear little Baconater was.