Bachelor Review: Finale

• First thing's first. He proposed! He didn’t run the other way.
• He chose America’s sweetheart, Emily.
• I was honestly stunned when he chose Emily. My pick was Chantal, because I thought Emily was way too good for him. Brad is a zero. I mean really!
• Both Chantal and Emily met Brad’s Family.
• Chantal played smart and didn’t booby it up as much as usual for his family.
• We learned that Brad has two brothers that are not nearly as good looking as he is. Not sure why Brad ended up with all the anger issues?
• Brad’s family is kind of normal. That was disappointing.
• Chantal once again faces her fears and goes under water with the sharks. (You’ve never seen a sexier wetsuit wearer, than our Chantal. She sure does love her boobs!)
• Poor Chantal is willing to get eaten by sharks for Brad and in the end, it still wasn’t enough. Don’t worry; we hear she already moved on.
• Brad’s mom liked Chantal, but LOVED Emily. Emily’s mother card won them all over.
• Emily gets a windy, noisy date and has to eat her hair the whole time. Come on ABC, give her a fun date!
• Chantal walked out of the limo first, wearing a black dress.
• The symbolism was as appropriate as it gets. With the booby devil wearing black and the sweet angel in a light peach. How could it have gone any other way?
• Why does he always have to go through his scripted speeches? He’s boring.
• When Emily walked up I just wanted him to get on one knee and ask the question. Why the drawn out speeches?
• An embarrassing confession. I was honestly happy for them for about 60 whole seconds.
• A few minutes later, to our dismay, we learn that Brad and Emily have already had problems. What?! That never happens? Look at the three successful couples that have come out of this uplifting show over the last 15 seasons. We did not see this coming.
• The after the rose ceremony was painful to watch. Emily and Brad do not need to hash out the painful details to all of us. Didn’t they know we wanted a fairy tale ending? If we wanted something realistic in our lives none of us would follow this train wreck of a show religiously. I mean really!
• Chris H. your hair looks stupid. Did you forget what year you were born in?
• Oh Brad, you say you have no regrets? You mean when you slept with Chantal even when you knew you loved Emily.. You don’t regret that?
• Emily, honey…. Did you not know he would be with other women on this sleazy show?
• Emily, honey… we liked you when you were classy and now you’re airing your dirty laundry for all of America to smell, and it smells like Brad has anger problems and you should leave.
• Oh, but wait, maybe not what with the wise advice from Trista, Jason and Ali, maybe you guys have a shot. Or not.
• Trista (the Bachelor Godmother) lives for appearances like this. Her husband Ryan was surprisingly chatty and provided us with many useless analogies. Lesson learned, next time, ABC will just invite Trista.
• Ali and Roberto are not going to make it. I mean really!
• Jason and Molly. Puke!
• And they all lived happily ever after.

Bachelor Review: Week 10

• It was Women Tell All. A crucial episode in where all the girls get together to hash out a relationship none of them will ever have. It’s very important they all embarrass themselves just slightly more than they already have.
• Jackie. Oh my. Where did you come from? You are one mad little woman. You clearly did not have a lot to say to Brad, yet you had a whole lot to say to Michelle.
• Most of the episode was spent attacking Michelle. Do these girls know she did not end up with Brad? Maybe Chris should have made that a little more clear.
• Chris if you have to tell these women of a final rose you may have to clarify that only Emily and Chantal are still in the running.
• Loved. Loved. Chris H. and his therapist act. I don’t care if he’s not licensed he read my soul last night.
• Stacey and Raichel went full force in the attack. Both are classy broads.. one a manscaper and the other a bartender both of which were on the show for about 7 minutes so it was important we give them a voice.
• Stacey went way below the belt and harassed Michelle as a mother.
• Stacey made a claim that her mother would have never put herself before her children. Stacey, you are a bartender and it looks as if Snookie is your stylist, so no one is really going to take parenting advice from your mother my dear. Sorry kids it had to be said.
• Michelle’s sob story is as follows: Here for the right reasons. Sob. I have a daughter. Sob. I have a daughter. Sob. Right reasons. Daughter. Sob. Sob. Sob.
• Michelle I don’t ever remember anyone saying you were there for the wrong reason, but thanks for clearing that up for us. You were almost as repetitive as you were on your birthday.
• We Loved Ashley’s new hair. The only person who loved it more was our adorable Chris H. Did you see him light up as he interviewed her? Oh my Chris.. keep it in your pants buddy.
• Sarah P. was eye rolling the entire episode. Please settle down Sarah we don’t even know who you are and neither does Brad?
• Brad came out and told one she was an incredible woman. The other she was an exceptional woman, and another she was an amazing woman, and reported to Chris that he was in love with an excellent woman. One thing is for sure that Brad loves him some woman.
• Next week it’s the ultimate and final rose. So put in your vote. Will it be Emily or Chantal? Really put in your vote, because I’ve prepared a little prize for those of you who get it right.

Bachelor Review: Week 9

• I’m calling this episode, “The most predictable rose ceremony in Bachelor history.” Do you like it Chris? Do you?”
• Brad was as boring and monotone as ever.
• Chantal was as booby as ever
• During Ashley and Brad’s date you could have cut the awkwardness with a knife, it was so thick, but there was no hesitation when it comes to the overnight question.
• The overnighter was not a stretch for booby Chantal either, but what would you have guessed when on the second date she had no pants on.
• Not only is Ashley not a dentist but she is frazzled with confusion when approaching which color of jelly bean she should choose. Smart girl.
• Ashley and Brad try to force with all their might some sort of romance, but ended up talking about mosquito nets and then most likely sleeping with each other. Ahhh, so cute. I should bounce and scream.
• Chantal’s overnight date was in a tree house outside, wow ABC… did they cut your budget?
• Chris H. and his oversized watch finally steal a therapy session. Chris has so much insight.
• When Chris H. talks to Brad do you think in his head he has to repeat, “Look interested, nod your head, and look interested.”
• Emily was of course classy and said she wanted to take the overnight date to just “talk.” Oh Emily, famous last words…
• Do you think he sleeps with all three of them? This question plagues my mind every season.
• Brad, breaking all Bachelor rules, pulls out the L-word for Emily.
• Why do they always say falling in front of the L-word, do they think it makes them sound less ridiculous that they could love a person they have spent a total of 6 hours with? Because it’s not fooling me.
• He let Ashley go, but our rule breaker didn’t do it in front of the others. Good for you Brad.
• And the question on every mind in America or at least every small mind in America is… Will he bolt …again?
• Next week is Women Tell All. So let’s all put on our bitch hats and battle it out over a man who dumped us on national TV.

Bachelor Review: Week 8

• Final four home town dates! Usually my favorite, but it bored me this season, maybe it has to do with the fact that Brad was in every scene. He is so BORING.
• Chantal first made sure her cats and dog liked Brad. They did indeed, such a relief, for a minute there I thought Chantal would vote herself off.
• Chantal’s family was classic: Ginormous house, plastic surgery mom, mid life crisis dad and the classic brother who will never compare to rich daddy.
• We think Chantal’s mom liked Brad but we cannot be certain her plastic face made it a little difficult to make those facial expressions.
• Chantal’s dad and the overdone self made man sculpture. Barf!
• Ashley’s family. Lovey Dovey. More kisses and hugs at their family gathering than at child’s christening.
• Ashley when you hug your siblings in the same manner or should I say the same straddle that you do with Brad, it does cause some concern.
• Ashley is bouncy and screamy.
• The best part of Ashley’s visit, we found out she is not actually a dentist. I knew it. I knew just knew it. She is still in school. That’s all we know. My prediction is that she may possibly still be in high school…. That’s school right?
• My guess is Ashley didn’t get into med school and going on the bachelor was plan B. Ashley what was plan C? That may have been the better option.
• Shawntel went a little over the top when she had Brad lay on the embalming table. We’ve all made that mistake. Right ladies?
• Shawntel had the most normal family which probably led to her detriment. Because if history is a teacher normal people don’t make it to the end of the bachelor now do they?
• The good news. Shawntel did get the Vegas shopping spree. Time well spent.
• Emily’s visit made me cringe. Brad manipulated Emily into meeting her daughter. The poor daughter was so shy. Can you imagine being 5, your mom has never introduced to any of her male partners and the first time she does a dozen cameras are on you? Too much.
• Even though at Chantal’s home Brad proclaimed he is certain he would be a “Damn good father.” He seemed very uncomfortable around Emily’s daughter.
• We did not meet Emily’s parents on her home town visit, kind of wanted to.
• Brad could not be more awkward if he tried. Is he trying?
• It’s now down to screamy bouncy, big boobs and the southern belle.

Bachelor Review: Week 7

 The second week in a row without my girls. It's been tough, but I've made a call to Brad's therapist who has graciously offered me a few sessions to figure this all out, for only $1,000 a session. Truly a geniune guy.
 • Does Brad actually think he plans these dates?
• Emily and Brad stop talking about the day and start talking about you. Do you have siblings? What are your parents like? You know like you’re on an actual date.
• Brad trying to convince Emily he should meet her daughter. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong
• Shawntel I like you more and more, like your confidence.
• Nice Shawntel on actually talking about something other than where you are, and how amazing the day was.
• Love the fake planted old lady, nice job ABC.
• Emily you need a dating a lesson from Shawntel.
• More helicopters.
• Chris H. you actually showed before the last rose. Good for you buddy, trying to get your job back?
• Does he say the word woman at an unusual frequency, maybe try to throw in a girl every once in awhile Brad.
• Oh my Michelle.. I thought you would stab the other girls with a rose but instead you are going to sink their ship, well played. At least not all of America will know it was you.
• Michelle I don’t know if you know this but no one is asking your opinion.
• If Brit jumps off this cliff I’m worried the wind will pick her up and take her away.. Does she have enough body weight to fall?
• “No doubt about it.” Does Brad have the most limited vocabulary of anyone you’ve ever known?
• One girl was left on a helicopter pad when she was rejected this season she’s escorted off a yacht.. ouch.. harsh. Oh and now she has to face all the girls. Poor Brit. this is too mean, I almost can’t watch this anymore… almost.
• Love how all the girls act like they are friends. Love it.
• Brad did you actually think their dream date is women competing with each other in their swimsuits. Perhaps a dream date for you Brad, but a nightmare for all women everywhere. Gosh you’re dumb.
• This is the longest group date in all Bachelor history.
• Cry baby Chantal, had to fast forward.
• Chris is back to being psychiatrist. Good for you Chris. How happy do you think Chris is right now?
• Michelle is finally gone! I imagine after the cameras are off the other girls will prance around singing the “Wicked witch is dead.”
• Here's what I have to say regarding the final four: If he marries Chantal they will have cheap wedding invitations. If he goes with Ashley she'll select cute wedding invitations. If he chooses shawntel she will pick affordable wedding invitations (I have a feeling she knows how to run a reasonably priced event, if you get my drift.) However if he should marry Emily she will undoubtedley select elegant wedding invitations. Need I say more?

Bachelor Review: Week 6

• I often go to Costa rica with a guy I have never been on a date with. I wish
• Do these girls know two dates does not a marriage make?
• Oh Brad a helicopter ride. However did you plan this all on your own? I’m sure ABC didn’t help you out.
• Michelle the egotistical one is you.. Oh my goodness get a grip sweetheart.
• Michelle your behavior will not help your Mormon acting career.
• Longest zip line in the world. Wow Brad you really did your research.
• Nice boob touch with Chantal, the old arms around her front hug…
• Yes Chantal all relationships are indeed like zip lining.
• Seriously Mr. No Personality the zip line did not even seem to excite you.
• Yes Chantal, this is like real life. In fact my husband and I are always zip lining. Marriage is nothing but a constant party.
• Brad are you trying to be awkward?
• Brit did you buy out all the heart gear? Leave some for the rest of us.
• Chantal I’m beginning to think you’re just on this show to give your plastic surgeon some advertising. Those Boobs! Oh my goodness I was completely distracted.
• Seriously it’s the second date Chantal and you don’t have pants on! Oh my!
• Brad. Tevas? Really?
• Loved the hugs each received before they repelled.. Now we know he’ll be a good husband.
• Michelle do us a favor and stop being SO honest.
• Brad did you really make a repelling pact on the Bachelor? You’ve done this show before as you may recall. You know there would be more repelling. Next you’ll tell us you made a helicopter pact.
• Brad the whole “No Rose Speech” Did your therapist help you script it?
• Michelle tell us how you really feel?
• Alli.. wow big knockers.
• Alli and Brad, small talk on first date. Did you know most people make small talk on their first date? It’s just we usually don’t go to Costa Rica for a first date.
• Brad you need to learn another word for amazing.. maybe try fantastic on for size.
• Chantal pulls out the “I Love You.” Brad replies with a gracious, “thank you.” This show is sick.
• Alli and Jackie were dumped. Both were classy in front of Brad and cried in the limo. Big surprise.
• Michelle is still on. She’s had a big role in this season. She has taken over Chris Harrison’s job as the narrator. She arranges her own dates (sneaky). She has taken over Brad’s mind and does all his thinking for him. She’s also been busy plotting out how she will murder and bury all the other women. So give her a break, she’s had a lot on her chest, and that’s not including all that silicone.

 Ladies, I missed you dearly. My journey was not the same without you.

Bachelor Review: Week 5

More Observations from the girls

• Chris Harrison I know Brad’s intuitive therapist has sort of taken your job, but wearing that flamboyant shirt won’t change any of that.
• Chris it’s obvious you’re having a hard time adjusting… I think I know who would make a great therapist for you.
• Wow, Chantel that cleavage is something else! Your boobs are so big they look like a bum!
• Chantel, what’s with the mesh?
• Marissa take heart my dear none of us knew anything about you.
• Oh my goodness the performance with Ashley and Brad. Boring, awful, awkward, with a majorly obvious Bradley Crotch shot. Who was camera man? My guess is Chris Harrison.
• Ahh.. no fair.. (Insert my annoying whine sound here.) I want a Vegas shopping spree.
• Good Job Shawntel you got Brad to smile and laugh.. for the first time this season.
• Shawntel the bad news.. He’d rather just talk about his feelings and console you while you cry.
• Another emergency phone call with Brad’s therapist. Where Brad revealed things like, “These feelings I’m feeling feel real.” Profound Brad, really profound.
• Brit, was there a heart accessory sale at Claire’s? I missed it, I’m pissed.
• Michelle you look like a cartoon villain. Walt Disney could not have drawn a more perfect villain. Do you think it’s the eyebrows? Or could it be the fact that she physically assaulted Brad? Hmm..
• Ashley, you are going to be okay. If history has taught us anything it’s that you can be on the Bachelor as many times as you want. See you next season.
• Lisa, another fatality, we liked your dress, but your goodbye crying were the only words we have ever heard from you. In this show you have to be aggressive to survive. Aggressive, or a murderer.. you know like Michelle.
• Taking Emily to the race track. Oh ABC… you don’t have an ounce of class. And the sad thing is, neither do I, as I faithfully watch this train wreck each week.
• This journey. That journey. My journey. Our journey. We got it, enough!
• The little tiny cake to make Ali fell special. I would have been like, “Is this a fat joke?”
• Oh what I would give to be the limo driver of the rejected? Can we say Dream Job!
Ladies, thank you for taking this journey with me, it’s been an amazing journey and through this journey I think we can have a future together and I hope we can continue our journey wherever this journey takes us. Hopefully at the end of this journey we can all find our soul mates. I wish you all a journariffic week.
p.s. Don't forget to take the quiz found on the picture above...

Bachelor Review: Week Four

More Observations from the girls



• ABC nice job with putting beds everywhere. We’re all together skipping the couch and getting right to the point. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were condom dispensers conveniently placed next to each bed.
• Michelle woke up with a black eye. We think she must have kicked her own ass. A desperate attempt for attention, a really desperate attempt.
• Loved the group therapy session with Dr. Drew. In seasons past we went on dates to theme parks and heard famous bands play. Not Brad’s season, just more therapy.
• Dr. Drew did not provide quite enough therapy for Brad’s liking and we had to have another quick session with his personal therapist.
• Brad, like all the other bachelors, has NO sense of humor. Seriously dude, crack a joke.
• Every date we talk about the future, journeys, commitment, marriage and children. Most people just say a little something about themselves and then they decide if they would like to see each other again.
• Ashley when you come in with your big boobs and little body and proceed to kick out another girl while she’s talking with Brad, please do not extend your arms, make a pouty face and say. “Hugs?” I mean really.
• Britt, we are concerned about you. Evidently you need to do more food eating and less food writing. Baggy bum swimsuit, not so good.
• Ashley, the dentist, maybe settle down a little. Just maybe.
• Surprise. A helicopter ride. I did not see that coming.
• Chantal, good for you, we liked that you stood up to Michelle. Though I am a bit worried Chantal may have a horse head in her bed tomorrow morning.
• Scaling the building with Michelle. Oh great, let me guess, “We got through that, now we can get through anything.”
• Emily, cute touch on leaving gifts for your daughter. Let’s ask Michelle what she did for her daughter?
• Emily, we still think you’re the sweetest. Though by the looks of your shoes, we never would have known it, eek.
• I decided last night the number one thing I love about the bachelor is the lining up for hello and goodbye hugs. It is too funny. The girls look like hungry school children in line for the best meal of the year.
• Thank goodness for friends, who are as weird as I am, that watched this episode in old, ill fitting prom dresses while drinking martinelli’s.

Bachelor Review: Week Three

More observations from the girls.





• Michelle, SLC girl, do you know you are on the Bachelor? Of course he is going to be dating other people!
• Michelle, you act like you are 16, and we know for a fact you are 30, you told us repeatedly last week.
• We can’t figure out why they are ruining a perfectly good Seal song. They are awful.
• It is sad we live in a world where the vampire has the most integrity. Good move vampi, good move. But a bad move on the side boob.
• Emily, we’re rooting for you.
• Funeral director we like you.
• We’re certain that Michelle took the vampire’s fangs when she left. Michelle continues to creep us out.
• Blond girl that got sent home. “I intimidate guys.” (Famous last words). Every girl I ever known to say this is still alone.
• Wow, every single girl has a tragic story; this was a handpicked crew for sure. It’s a good thing there is a therapist on call.
• Loved, loved that Brad had to have a quick session with his therapist. Too funny.
• Chris Harrison, your position is being threatened by someone with credentials. Are you just going to stand by and let this happen? Go counsel Brad, go, go!
• I’m foreseeing a group therapy session with the whole crew, oh that would be fabulous. Those girls can cry!
• Brad, we hate your tattoo, but love your abs.
• Michelle we are so glad you are the only one who knows what’s best for Brad. Even his therapist can’t articulate like you can. We’re so lucky so have you.
• We don’t know who the red head is.
• Chantel your leopard dress is too much; you look like a cougar mom. Also, your boobs are overwhelming us.
• Back when I was dating we cried to our girlfriends and moms not our fake boyfriend who was also seeing 15 other women. You girls are looking crazy.
• ABC way to hype up the fact that someone voluntarily left your show, (wasn’t that big of a deal). I guess it wasn’t as bad as Ali’s season when you made it look as if Casey attempted suicide, when in fact he got a tattoo.
• Michelle is confident she will be the last one standing, and I guess she will after she murders all the other girls. That’s one way of doing it, I guess.

Ladies, see you next week for our ever so formal rose ceremony.

Bachelor Review

Some obsevations from the girls:
-A lot of boob jobs
-One vampire
-Two fangs
-A lot of spray tans
-A lot of makeup
-One frog kiss
-A lot of second chance comments
-One slap across the face
-One interview with Brad's therapist (I'm hoping it isn't the last... it was just too good.)
-One girl with her shoes off, because she doesn't taker herself too seriously (Well, neither does anyone else)
-One girl with Dorothy shoes
-Two crotch shots from the rockette
-One desperate song
-One compelling interview with Chris Harrison (Thanks Chris. What would we do without you?)
-Many will he do it again, and choose no one questions (Well ladies the answer is ultimately yes.)
-A lot of do you think he is afraid of commitment questions (Well ladies he is 38 with rock hard abs and biceps the size of tree trunks.. You do the math.)
-Everyone said, "I'm here to fall in love." (If history is a teacher you will definitely find it here, there has been one couple that have stayed married, due to the large check ABC cuts them each year.. your chances are good.)
-Many I can't wait to take this journey with you comments. (Yes along with 20 other girls, it should be pretty special)
-One "Are those fangs for real?" (Brad, when your therapist recommended you open your heart, he meant open it to humans.)
-Some bad dress choices
-The fashion marketer made our "Worst Dressed" list. The shoes especially
-We're liking the southern belle
-We're hating the vampire, but none of us are saying it too loud because we're afraid of her
-The dentist likes to bounce her hair
-The SLC girls scares us

Ladies, thank you for the wonderful journey, I'm in love with you, and I want to marry you. See you next week.

It's Back..

Or rather he's back. Brad Womack, the guy who didn't pick anyone in the end, will be returning to the Bachelor to find lasting love. Which begs the question. Could they not find anyone else in America to sign up for this show? Apparently not. You know I will be watching. I hope you'll join me January 3 for the season premiere. I'm hosting. See you there.