Friday, April 6, 2012

A Meet Cute

She came screeching into her favorite coffee shop, wearing a smart suit and a bitchy face. She had lost her mother not even a week ago and as of today, her job. 

She walked to the register furiously swinging her arms, digging through her purse for her wallet. 

“What’ll it be Alice?” 

“My usual, no, not my usual. Make it a triple chocolate mocha with whipped cream.”

Charlie was hesitant, “You okay Alice?”

“Oh I’m just great Charlie, but it just occurred to me we will all die someday, and if for me that day is today, fingers crossed, I’m not going to waste it on some wimpy-ass cup of coffee, got it?” 

Her order he was not use to, though her sarcasm, he was painfully familiar with. Like a turtle retracting in his shell, Charlie got her that triple chocolate mocha and handed it over with an arm outstretched as if it was a ten foot pole, and got the hell out of her way. 

Alice sat down, raised the warm drink to her lips, and closed her eyes…
“Hey can I…?”

Alice opened her eyes and saw the gentlemen standing before her.

“Seriously buddy, you do not want to hit on me today. Trust me.”

“Um, what I was going to ask was, Are you using this chair?” 

Alice let out a laugh, “Ha, no please take the chair, it’s on me buddy.”

He took the chair back to his table which happened to be adorned with a beautiful blond. 

Alice looked snidely over at the couple and thought, I knew when I hit rock bottom there would be a hot blond waiting to point and laugh at me.

A half hour passed and the gentlemen returned the chair and carefully placed a napkin on her table as he left.

Alice thought, great I’ve got something smudged across my face, perfect! She picked up the napkin and there was his number in blazing blue ink. 

Seriously, who leaves their number on a napkin? This guy’s a  joke. 

She walked out of the coffee shop without neglecting to slip a few bucks in the tip jar for Charlie. She figured he had earned it today. 

Alice walked up the steps to her apartment, slipped into her hideous sweat pants, plopped herself on the couch, flipped on the TV and began to devour The Food Network.

This will be good, being unemployed, at least I’ll finally get some TV time.

Her phone began to buzz, she peeled her mother’s hand-made quilt off, walked over to her purse and began to rummage through gum wrappers and tampons.  

“Phone, phone, where are you?”

The phone stopped buzzing and there it was the napkin

She twirled the napkin through her fingers until the ink almost wore off

 And then did something very un-Alice like. She dialed the number. 

This post was inspired by Write on Edge. We were asked to introduce a romantic character. I did go slightly over the word limit, I apologize.
 If I may so bold as to ask for your help: In this piece Alice has a lot of thoughts, that are not necessarily quotes, I wasn't sure how to address this issue. On most of them I just ended or began the sentence with "She thought." Any guidance on how to appropriately include thoughts would be so appreciated. 
Thanks for reading, it means the world. 
Lindy

17 comments :

  1. Poor Alice... That girl can't catch a brake or can see? I see you have one sentence that you repeat the words, "on me on me" you may want to elementate one of them. Love your writing. Thanks for posting!

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    1. Thanks I really need an extra pair of eyes on this stuff. Your hired!

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  2. I like it a lot. I think it leads us to a great place, a great kick for the character - though I'll admit I wanted her romance to start with Charlie from the opening scenes. ;)

    I LOVE this sentence: *Like a turtle retracting in his shell,*

    I like the thoughts but I feel like it was all very fast-paced. I tend to sometimes italicize thoughts to help differentiate a little bit, I don't know if that would help you at all, but it's an idea. For example, instead of including the word "thought" so many times ...

    Alice looked snidely over at the couple and thought, I knew when I hit rock bottom there would be a hot blond waiting to point and laugh at me.

    Could be changed to:

    Alice looked over at the couple.

    I knew when I hit rock bottom there would be a hot blonde waiting to point and laugh at me.

    And then this one:

    Alice thought, great I’ve got something smudged across my face, perfect!

    would be simply ...

    Great I’ve got something smudged across my face.

    Just my 10c to see if that helps. I look forward to reading more!

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  3. OMG ! I'm so sorry - my comment didn't look that crazy long in the preview! Oops!

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    1. Andrea,
      Thank you, your feedback is very helpful. I appreciate your thoughtful consideration of my stuff.

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  4. Andrea's right. I think it has become so common to italicize thoughts that my mind automatically goes there when I see them.

    Her biting sarcasm is shown very well in the dialogue, by the way, and Charlie shrinking away makes me think of him as mousy and week, a little man of slight character.

    I love the smoothness you moved from scene to scene with here. I totally enjoyed this.

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    1. I'm so glad to hear it was smooth from scene to scene. Thanks for your feedback!

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  5. I love how this isn't the "typical" way boy meets girl, even though leaving a number on a napkin is commonplace (if that makes any sence at all lol!) Well done!

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    1. Thanks I worried that a coffee shop was too predictable so I'm glad you weren't bored with it.

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  6. The things our characters do when their motivated by their own self-destruction...Alice hasn't hit rock bottom yet, there's still room to fall which makes for great character development.

    As much as I like the paragraph (and I really, really do): Her order he was not use to, though her sarcasm, he was painfully familiar with. Like a turtle retracting in his shell, Charlie got her that triple chocolate mocha and handed it over with an arm outstretched as if it was a ten foot pole, and got the hell out of her way.

    This seems to be told from Charlie's perspective, not Alice's. I'd hate to see it go, but it did throw me at first read. We are in Alice's world, and to break that here loses some of the impact of her angst.

    Also, I think if you drop the passive past tense in the first paragraph, it would read even stronger. "She screeched" instead of "She came screeching" and "She lost her mother" instead of "She had lost". Her anger is abrasive, make her actions just as defined. (does that make sense?)

    Anyway, I love that a bad day is causing Alice to do something out of character. It'll provide a greater sense of drama "the morning after" when she realizes what she's done. Fantastic set-up!

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    1. Thank you! You always offer advice that makes so much sense, and I wonder why I can't see it while I'm writing. Dropping the passive tense at first makes total sense to me. I'm wondering if I could write Charlie's reaction the same, but from Alice's point of view?
      Thanks for your feedback

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  7. It seems coffee shops are the best place for this prompt today! I'm interested to see what happens with the phone call and where things go from there.

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  8. I was going to say that it is sometimes better to put the character's thoughts in italics, but someone already pointed that out.

    Somehow I thought that Charlie would be the one leaving the phone number on her table--you know, the "worships from afar" type. I liked the way you conveyed her as just barely holding on after some major life stressors--that was great!

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  9. We've been discussing the whole 'thought' thing in my critique class lately. How to structure it, etc. I think if it is clearly on one persons POV you don't need to italicize or even use the word thought. It can be just another phrase and the reader will infer it is internal dialogue.

    Personally, I like using italics :) makes it clear to me

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    1. Carrie,
      Thanks for your help, and for always taking the time to read my stuff. It looks like italics may be the way to go.

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  10. I'm not at all qualified to comment. But I want you to know that I read and love everything you write. Keep them coming!

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    1. Amy,
      You are certainly qualified! Thanks for reading my stuff, you know I appreciate it.

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