Thursday, April 26, 2012

Not your typical first date...

Biting her bottom lip she listened to the phone ring and ring.

She heard him clear his throat, “Hello.”

“Hi, hi uh, this is Alice from…”

“The coffee shop, Alice, Alice, Alice you still enraged at the world, or just lonely?”
She slid her hand from her forehead running her fingers through hair, “Well Christopher, thanks for asking, I’m both.”

“I had a feeling you’d say that. Will a cup of coffee warm you up?”

He had a feeling I’d say that? He doesn’t know the half of it. What am I doing?

Her head tilted upwards, she tapped her foot speedily against the linoleum, “Ya, okay. Meet you at…”

“Why don’t you just come to my place, I’m guessing you’re in your sweats, anyway.” He spouted off his address.
What? Like he knows I’m in my sweats! He lives close; he’s probably been stalking me. I’m going to go over there, and get raped. That’ll really top off the year from hell won’t it?
“Okay, put on a pot. Me and my sweats will be over soon.”

He hung up; a half smile crept across his face. Secretly he loved a good smart ass.

She walked up the steps to his apartment, before she had a chance to knock he opened the door.
Shit. Now he knows when I’m standing at the door. He probably knew what color of sweats I was wearing before he saw them. What else does this guy know about me? Let’s hope he doesn’t have x-ray vision, because these granny panties I’m sporting are a real gem.
She let herself in; “Hi, let’s just clear something up before I …” Her fingers flew up with air quotes, “Drink from your mug. The blond? Who was she?”
“My sister.”
“Ha, I half buy that. Where’s the coffee?”
He held up a bottle of vodka, “I thought this may do a better job at warming that hard heart of yours.”
He filled their glasses. They made their way to the couch. After only one drink, there was Alice making a fool of herself. Her hands expressively telling him of all the recent tragedies that had struck her life, her tears presenting more honesty than she ever could have voiced.  
Christopher looked at her, no makeup, glasses, and worn-out eyes. He saw to the core of her, her vulnerability seemed, somehow, sexy.  

Hours later, in her teary drunken state, she had fallen asleep.

He scooped her up, carried her to his bed tucked her in and kissed her cheek.

He put the empty glasses in the sink. Made a bed on the couch and as soon as his head hit the sofa pillow. He thought, this girl, really? What am doing?

*****Bloggers note**** Thanks to Write on Edge for the inspiration. "For this week, I’m giving you the word “Core.” You have 450 words to explore any meaning of the word in a work of creative non-fiction/memoir or fiction."
photo credit:


  1. I like it. I like her caution and how it seems to slowly turn into comfort. One little thing. When you said "stocking" I believe you meant "stalking". Other than that, though, I really enjoyed it.

    1. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I'm hoping their relationship doesn't seem to forced or unrealistic.
      Thanks for stopping by.

  2. I noticed the "stalking" too. I like where you're going with this, but I'd stick with one POV and draw the other one's thoughts out through POV's eyes.

    1. Thank you for this. I debated revealing his POV.. so this helps me sort it out.

  3. I like her internal dialogue, letting us see her motivation. I do think the sweats comment is a bit of a risk for him, which is possibly a character trait. Lots of women would be offended by that, I think. It's definitely not a typical first date!

    1. Yes. I debated doing it, but somehow I want him to know her so well, it seems a little scary.

  4. I would love to know how he knew so much about her. The only piece that seemed a little awkward to me was how she calls Christopher by name at the very beginning. Something about it doesn't seem to fit with the dialogue at that point.

  5. I like the pace of this. I moved up on the edge of my couch while I read it.

    Great dialogue.

    I need to comment you more. Good writing.

  6. I love the dialogue. ( internal & external. :)

  7. I like it! The sparring between them is perfect. Her being spooked yet drawn to him. And for all his banter, I think hes a bit spooked by his feelings.

  8. I love this. Please write more!!! Great characters and sweet atmosphere. And gold star for talking about vulnerability coming off as sexy to him!

  9. My only concrit was this sentence(s):

    "After only one drink, there was Alice making a fool of herself. Her hands expressively telling him of all the recent tragedies that had struck her life, her tears presenting more honesty than she ever could have voiced."

    It doesn't flow with the rest of the passages. Maybe a rewording would help. I liked her inner battle with her sense of self-preservation--she's taking a big risk despite her misgivings. I hope it works out for her!

  10. I see her vulnerability... and how much she is careful about it and yet somewhere she starts to trust... we want to know a little more about her.

  11. I liked this and her vulnerability was obvious. I do agree with another comment about the point of view. Sticking with one would probably make the piece flow more seamlessy. I did get a bit confused when you switched.

    Overall, great job!

  12. Great take on the prompt. I liked the phone, ringing, ringing, then the conversation. Very strong opening. I'm not sure you want a "slightly creepy" label for Christopher just yet though, especially since you're ending it on an upbeat note instead of a scary one. Even if she's ignoring her instincts. It sends as much a message about her as it does about him.

    Just a thought.

    Oh, before I forget: I love the image of her nervous leg also. Excellent tidbit.