Monday, July 23, 2012

Bachelorette Review: Finale

First of all, can I just take a moment to thank you for journeying this journey with me? It has been an amazing, dramatic, emotional, exciting, thrilling and moving journey. I think Chris would agree.

It’s meet the parents time, Jef meets the parents first and lucky for Jef, He loves parents. Remember?

Emily’s family is and is not what you may have expected. Emily’s mom is skinny, blond, lots of makeup with some work done.

Emily’s dad seemed kind of like one of those Dad’s who can’t pronounce his words, yet knows his way around a shot gun and can be found with one on his porch when you drop her off from a date. If that doesn’t explain it, this may help: Levi shirt with Teva shoes.

Next we meet Emily’s brother, Ernie. You know I love a good awkward sibling and thank goodness Ernie delivered. He was awesome, looked like he was from Wyoming, not so articulate, with hair parted perfectly on the side. Oh Ernie, you made my night.

The family liked Jef and he, like always, said all the right things.

Next the family meets Arie. Arie comes prepared with a gift. A nice thought, if only it weren’t a box of the dried up roses Emily has given you. Like, what the hell is Emily’s family suppose to do with a bunch of dried up roses from their daughter’s second round of the Bachelor.

Emily’s dad gives his blessing to Arie and he comes out smelling like a dead rose.

Though Emily knows exactly who she’s going to choose, probably from about week two, she pleads with her family to give her the answer. I’m sure this little stunt was advised by Chris, “Emily I said it was one of the most dramatic season finale’s, now don’t make a liar out of me.”

The family says they love them both, surprise, surprise.

Next Emily makes one of the most dramatic decisions of her life. Does she have Ricki meet the guys?

First she talks to Jef about it, as he will be on the first date. And this is where I was shocked! As Emily and Jef discussed it, it seemed almost as if they were having a real conversation. What!? It made me feel slightly uncomfortable.

Jef convinces Emily that he needs to meet her daughter, as if Emily didn’t already have that decided as well.

Jef, of course, hits it off with Ricki because he can act like a six year old and only looks about 16, so it works.

Emily decides while in deliberation with our most helpful host, Chris, that she will forego her date with Arie. I know you just let out a shocked gasp, and so did the rest of America.

Then we have shots of Arie all ready to meet up for his date, but first he tries to mix up some magic flower herb potion. That confused me?

Emily meets Arie at the magic potion station to tell him that she has already chosen Jef.

After Emily spills the beans she then cries and cries, and damn Arie, but he didn’t really comfort her.

I don’t get the whole, I- break- up- with- you-, but- you- should- feel- sorry- for- me bit.

Arie is whisked away in the reject vehicle. Did it look like he was trying to cry, but just couldn’t?

Anyway, don’t fret, you know I never do. Arie is going to be just fine. He’s good looking, he’s a race car driver and he was on TV. I don’t think he’s going to have much of a problem getting some girl’s overnight key.

Next it’s proposal time. So we have the famous getting ready shots where Emily puts on her makeup and gown and Jef synchs his tie. And we all gear up for the most anti-climatic proposal in bachelorette history.  

Jef walks up on the stage (these stages are a bit much, aren’t they?) and Emily gives her little speech and reveals that she has already sent Arie home. Did Jef already know that? He didn’t act too surprised.

Then Jef gives his speech. Both speeches seemed to last a lifetime.

Next Jef gets down on one knee, presents the huge rock that he didn’t pay for and pops the question. Emily waits and waits, to take up some TV time and finally says Yes.
Meanwhile, abc, is trying to fill up the one hour gap that would have been Arie’s date by asking past contestants and random people what they think of what Emily has done.  It was the most painful portion of the journey.

After the angles in the heavens rejoiced over news of Emily and Jef we had to move on to the after the rose ceremony.

They bring out Arie to rehash and humiliate him. After all this is the bachelor.

We learn that Arie flew to Charlotte to see Emily, to talk off camera. What?! Off Camera! How dare he? Then he decided it may confuse Ricki, so he just left his journal on her doorstep.

She didn’t read his journal and returned it to him right on front of our eyes. Proving his entire trip was fruitless, as is this entire show.

Then we bring out Jef. The happy couple view their own engagement, as if they couldn’t do this on their own time seeing as the rest of America saw it three minutes before.

They reveal their plans which include Jef moving to Charlotte before they get married, going on a humanitarian trip and then maybe moving somewhere new.

But really you guys, I know Emily is a sweetheart, but can you see her digging wells in Africa? Can all her makeup fit onto one tent? And do they make rhinestone studded shovels?

Anyway the couple assures us, they will be getting married, sigh of relief, but when, we do not know.

Let’s pray they televise this monumental event. Or else, what will we all have to live for?


  1. Team Jef, the victory is yours!

  2. I will gladly accept the award in their honor.