Bachelorette Review: Men Tell All

Photos courtesy of bing.com

May I start with a quick summarization of the human race? Some people live their lives for themselves. Some people live their lives for their kids. Others live their lives for men/women tell all. Yes I am the “others.”

Chris begins by telling us that the finale will be the” One of the most dramatic endings ever.” Chris, with such a detailed description you gave it all away! I’m fisting the air as I say, “Damn you Chris, Damn you.”

Despite Chris’s most dramatic spoiler alert in bachelorette history, I was still excited for tonight’s episode until the camera spanned the room and I saw Chris (the contestant). Was it just me or was he trying to do the Zoolander Blue Steal look? You guys he almost spoiled this prized episode for me.

The guys start off having the exact same arguments they had while on the bachelorette, namely Chris’s lack of maturity. Chris whined and cried about how the men in the house said he was not mature enough to be a father.

Chris enough already! We know you are mature, we know you are serious about finding love, which is why you are going on the bachelor pad.

The best part of the night, Kalon showed up! I know it was shocking most of the time the biggest A**hole of the season doesn’t dare to show his face. Yet he was there and just as you wished that little colon got slammed.

Kalon took the hot seat (more Boo’s from the audience) and used it to dig himself into a much deeper hole. He was completely unapologetic and made a new line for himself when he said he doesn’t like to “Sugar Coat” things.  But, really, do you think he’s a paid actor, no one acts like this for real do they? With his fake name, fake job, and fake teeth, I just have to think he's an actor hired by abc.

Next Ryan takes the hot seat. I know, I  know, it was like I was dreaming. He gets up there, and the best part of these episodes is the looks on the women’s faces in the audience. It should more appropriately be called, audience tells all. As they replay Ryan’s shining moments the women just shake their heads in total disapproval. Hilarious.

Chris, for the first time ever, asks a poignant question of Ryan, “Is it possible that you are just an arrogant ass?” Ya, our sweet little Chris is really trying to make a name for himself. Ryan defends himself with confidence, or arrogance… I guess it’s your call.

The interview ends with Ryan stating he is still looking for his “prize.” It’s good know he learned a little something from his journey with Emily.

Then Sean takes center stage and the women in the audience clap and cheer with gleaming approval and strong sympathy nods.

Sean comes out shining, no that’s not a reference to his overly shiny face, I mean when the interview was over the women in the audience started throwing their bras and panties on stage. I wish.

Then finally Emily appears. She walks out in a smashing red dress and of course looks unbelievably hot. The men all stand erect, I mean up, the men all stand up and gaze at her as if she hadn’t already rejected each and every one of them.

Then they all say the same pathetic thing, “Emily, thanks for teaching me how to love again.” Oh wow, when you can dump someone on national television and then get them to thank you for it on national television you really are something else. That or abc is doing some of their best editing. I’m betting it’s the latter.

One of the highlights of the night was when Emily rips Kalon and new colon. After he claims he is happy for her and wants only the best for her, she reveals all he’s been saying on twitter. Oh Kalon, Kalon, Kalon. Up until now I was about to hire a luxury brand consultant (Like everyone else, I’ve been needing one like crazy.) But now I know I simply cannot go with Kalon.

I hope you’ll join me next week for one of the most dramatic ending in Bachelorette history.

Please place your bets. Will Emily rev up her engine with Arie, or will she choose to be the mother of that rat living in Jef’s hair?