Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Bachelor Review: Episode 5

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 So I kind of missed the first hour of this week's show. I heard I missed a one-on-one and a group date. First of all the fact that we all throw around terms such as one-on-one and group date with no question as to their reference should have all of us worried. Second of all, what did I miss? Please fill me in? Won't you?

I stepped in just as AshLee was saying that she was in LOVE with Sean. Chick is getting bold. I bet she already has a little bin organized with Sean memorabilia and labeled with glitter calligraphy. Well, maybe glitter is too messy but you get my point.

I also caught a little bit of Daniella crying to Sean. It was Tierrable, but it got her through to next week.

Does Daniella always seem slightly toasted to you? Maybe that's why she's a little less worked up about this whole thing than than the others.

Jackie and Tierra battle it out on the two-on-one. Two-on-one, there I go again.  Jackie is the red head that you don't really know yet mostly because she doesn't seem like a crazy-ass bitch.

Tierra begins to refer to Sean as her Husband. Normal.

The three of them go horseback riding and somehow Tierra spooks Jackie's horse (you know she did it) and Jackie gets left behind for a bit. Horses can sense crazy.

Jackie uses her time to tattle on Tierra. Ladies, how many times do I have to tell you, that NEVER works. Did you go on this show having never seen it!?

Sean pretends to take Jackie seriously and approaches Tierra about this. This is when she lays out her sob story. Bascially she had an in-and-out rehab boyfriend that died. She explains that this is why she can never get close to people.

Tierra, sweetheart, You just called the man that you have spent of total of five hours with, who is dating 17 other women your husband. I believe if you were struggling with closeness we just witnessed your recovery. Chalk it up to a Bachelor miracle.

Plus, I call BS on her sob story. Don't you? Tierrable!

Jackie is sent home, she cries, of course.

Jackie, Take heart, you are simply not a game player.

The cocktail party became quite a sober event. No, no they still had massive amounts of alcohol what I mean is, Sean tries to get to the bottom of all this Tierra nonsense. Even Chris H. had to come and interview him, you know what that means... A lot of fake sympathy and head nodding. Thanks Chris H. we really owe you one.

Sean tells Chris, "I can't honestly say that my wife is in that room." Gasp, oh no he didn't, that is CRAZY talk! Take it back Sean, you take that back!

I did love how Sean actually tried to act like he was solving a mystery. Is Tierra crazy? Oh I don't know Sean, I just don't know that's a tough one. We're all sitting at home scratching our heads and praying you'll figure this out.

I would like to pull a few quotes from Tierra, perhaps this will help Sean and all the other detectives involved in the case.

"I seriously want to punch everyone in this house." (Tierra, I wish you would, it would be awesome.)

"I honestly wish I was a fighter because I would beat the shit out of everyone of these bitches." (Tierra, I wish you would, it would be awesome.)

On a side note I believe this week's journey was replaced with the word drama. That got old.

Robyn gets the boot and I really wish he would have given her one more week because I think she would have been the one to kick Tierra's ass, and I would have relished in such an occurrence. Oh well, can't win 'em all.

Okay Nancy Drew I think I solved the mystery of the night and the only way to put is: A Tiara is to a princess what a Tierra is to a witch. Right?

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