Monday, January 27, 2014

Bachelor Review: Week 4

Our gracious and oh so helpful host, Chris Harrison, comes in to announce the group is off to South Korea. And this dumb group is thrown into a frenzy of excitement. It was, confusing. Juan Pablo that means I was confundido.

Then there is a group date wherein the girls get to be back up dancers for a group that calls themselves 21. Supposedly, 21 is a very hot, and happening band in Korea, but you and I have never heard of them, mostly because we do not live in Korea. Therefore this means nothing to us, here in the states, you know, the same states which airs, The Bachelor.

Nikki is all worked up over this extravaganza, sorry I meant journey, sorry again I meant adventure. Because she cannot dance, so like any mature individual she makes this ALL ABOUT HER. Then she was mad at whats-her-face because she, in fact, could dance.

Nikki overcomes her fears and gets up on stage and… well she doesn’t actually dance, but she does wear a costume and get up on stage. Oh Nikki, you’re an inspiration to us all.

Then whats-her-face. The blond hot one that danced her little heart out. She approaches Juan Pablo and pours out her sob story. Alcoholic father. This was smart. How many times must I tell you, if you think you have any chance of going home you MUST pull out a sob story.

Moving right along to a one-on-one. Or in other words, a date. A date? What does that word even mean? So, the one-on-one goes to Sharleen, the Opera singer.

Now I have to say, if you’ll allow me to be genuine for just a second. I kind of like Sharleen because she seems honest. Which means she will go far, but not to the end. (See there, my cynicism came right back, that was a close one.)

Sharleen and Pablo tour some kind of Korean market where the food looked as unappetizing as her sheer nylons. Sheer nylons? Oh Sharleen!

Juan forces her to serenade him with some opera singing. She acted embarrassed. Sharleen you are a professional opera singer and you signed up for the bachelor. Shy CANNOT honestly be a part of your repertoire. I mean really!?

They have a talk about kids and she didn’t whip out what we were all expecting. The whole, I want babies and guess what I’m ovulating! And much to our surprise she got a rose, anyway. Nice on you Juan.

Then another group date where they get those fish that eat the dead skin off their feet. They also ate some weird stuff some street vendors and Claire acts way disgusted over it. Claire enjoys being noticed, a lot.

There is a lot of catty talk about how Nikki is one way in front of the girls and another way in front of Pablo. Gasp! I’m shocked! What! Are you telling me people are not always honest? Nikki, if this is true you have broken my heart! Broken!

Juan Pablo, decides that on this group date he is not going to kiss anyone, because he wants to be an example to his daughter. Never mind the fact, that he has, of course, kissed many of them already.

Lauren, not knowing his new found nobility, goes in for the kiss. He backs away, and explains his stance. Then Lauren loses it. It was bad. She knew it, he knew it, even the groupies of 21 knew it.

However, Juan’s moral code goes out the window when miss Claire arrives on the scene and he goes in for the kill. Mirrior, mirror on the wall who is the sluttiest of them all? CLAIRE IS!  ABC, if you use that title as your next spin off, so help me!

Lauren is sent packing, just like you knew she would, just like your mom knew she would, and just like all of South Korea knew she would.

The other rejection of the night is rewarded to Elise. You don't know who that is do you? She is the one who's mother's dying wish was that she be on the bachelor. I am not make that up, I swear! Even I'm not that dark. She, indeed, said it. I can't believe she didn't last longer. Shocker!

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