Bachelor Finale

I meant to get this up so much sooner than I did. I was running into technical difficulties right and left.

There has been a lot of buzz over the finale. In fact you are probably bachelored right out. So I'll make it quick and punchy. I'm sure that's how Juan would want it, assuming I don't interrupt him of course.

The gist is there is not juan woman in America that likes Mr. Juan Pablo. Except for Nikki.

He proposed to neither but dumped Clare.

Allow me to back up. The girls meet his family they kindly nudge the girls to run the opposite direction.

Juan's mom said to Clare, that he is hyperactive. Did she really mean hyperactive or was that the language barrier trying to tell us she thinks he kid is a bit of a loser?

Then his mom continued raving about her son and said, "He can be rude." Now I cannot be misinterpreting that can I? Rude is rude.

Then Clare talked herself right out of that red flag by using Juan's age old excuse. He's just being honest.

Is it me or does the umbrella of honesty keep covering more ground. It seems to encompass being rude, mean, disrespectful and dumb.

 Combine such honesty with a language barrier and cultural differences and you have the making of a.... Como se dice... Asshole?

Apparently Juan and Clare had a moment in the helicopter where there were no cameras and he said something very offensive. I have to say if our forward not so smart Clare was offended it had to be bad. She was outraged and said she was not just an object. She went further to say this may be her last date with him.

I've got my guesses as to what he said to her but I won't repeat Juan word of it on this blog.

She saw him later that night and approached him on the issue. He smoothed it over along with her hair and acted like she was the crazy one. Yep that's what these kind of fellas do. Clare gives in and stays. Mistake!

Chris Harrison kept us abreast on what the live audience was thinking.

They all said it was painful to watch Clare suppress her intuition. And it was it really was.

Nikki meets the family and they put her through the same warning round they did Clare. Didn't work on her either.

Nikki makes him something cutsie with pictures and seals it up with another proclamation, "I LOVE YOU."

Then we all know what happened he says to Clare, "I wish the earth would suck me." What in the world does that mean.? In any language what does that mean? Someone tell me!

Clare gives it to him straight, finally. I kind of liked that, but it was a little late this guy has been a grade A D-bag the entire season. He needed his ass handed to him long before this moment.

Then Nikki struts herself to the proposal podium. She again announces her love for him. He says he has a ring in his pocket but won't propose because he's not ready and then says with an exaggerated wink,"But I like you a lot."

It was Horrible! Horrible!

Then an interview with Clare. Where she says she's moved on and has all the closure she needs. Good job Clare. Finally a pageant answer I can agree with.

Next up we have Nikki and Juan. The big surprise was suppose to be Juan Proposing to Nikki. They offered the big money to do just that. He didn't deliver which was good.

Chris Harrison, a bit embarrassed by Juan's lack of surprise began to bully Juan about saying the "L" word to Nikki. The more Chris nudged the more Juan rebelled.

It was horribly uncomfortable for us and for Nikki. What's her deal? Didn't you think she was smarter than this?

p.s. I have sources telling me Juan lives with his parents in a two bedroom condo. No Juan is surprised by this.

Juan Pablo is a loser. Let's hope Nikki is getting paid.

Bachelor Review: Women Tell All

I love this episode. My favorite part is the audience. Watch as these women smile, giggle, snarf, nod and glare as the women on stage attack each other and hopefully Juan.

First we have Sean and Catherine. Chris Harrison is shameless with his questions, "How was the honeymoon night?"

"Fireworks, " Says Sean.

Catherine corrects Sean, "Quick fireworks." So embarrassing!

Then Sean and Catherine reveal they will be trying to conceive in the next 12 months. Nothing is sacred anymore. Nothing!

Next Chris conducts a compelling interview with Sharlene. Of course, Sharlene kind of took over the interview because Chris kept asking her, "What does that mean?" You know when she would use such words as, curious. It's okay Chris you cannot be expected to know words as big and astronomical as curious.

Sharlene was standing up for Juan left and right probably because she's the one that left him and also because he's a pathetic idiot.

Chris moves the night right along and asks Renee to sit in the hot seat. Renee is a classy lady. Although she didn't buy Juan's excuse for not kissing her she didn't seem too upset by how things ended. This is probably because Juan Pablo is a pathetic idiot.

Next up is Andi. Andi was bothered much like many of the other women because he never got to know her. He never asked her questions about her or any other girl. All he wanted to do is talk about himself. Juan you may be asking yourself what does that means? It means you better marry Clare because she's the only one dumb enough to listen to your BS the rest of her life.

Then out comes the a**hole himself. Juan Pablo. He says he has no regrets with the way he handled things. The women look outraged. I'm willing to bet he did not detect one ounce of their frustration and you know what, "That's okay."

Kelly, dog lover, confronts him on what he said during a controversial interview. He puts her off and tells her they'll talk after the show. This guy is the king of Cop Outs. Whether he says, "I'm just being honest." Or the infamous, "I'm just trying to be an example to my daughter." Or, "English is my second language." Oh Juan you are so full of it.

Juan Pablo does not get it he never will. I think it will be Clare. Who do you think it will be?
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Bachelor Review: Part 2

At first I wasn't going to write about this episode. Two episodes in one week is just a little much, actually once a week is a little much.

But low and behold I'm a bigger loser than even I thought I was.

 I just finished watching it and you know I can't keep my mouth shut about this one!

First thing is first. Go Andi!

Andi says the Fantasy suite was an awful experience because he just went on and on about himself, name dropped, and never tried to get to know her. But you know what that's ok, that's ok because Andi figured it out before it was too late.

First of all, Andi was always too smart for this show. She asked Juan if he knew anything about her, religion, political views, how she wants to raise her kids. He knew none of it, because this is the kind of nitty gritty stuff people talk about in real relationships. Ugh, who wants that?

See, Andi, here on the Bachelor we try to keep it on the surface as much as possible. All real dialogue should be translated into words such as falling, journey, engaged, future husband, and marriage.

Andi said it was offensive the way he said everything was ok. She argued sometimes it's not ok. Oh Andi, here on the bachelor everything is ok all the time and there should be no inkling of anything but bliss. She really blew their cover didn't she?

Here's the thing. Juan is a chauvinist. Oh, sorry, Juan you don't know what that means do you? Well I think Andi sort of defined it, "There's a difference between being honest and being as asshole."

 He said he didn't like the arguing from Andi. I dare say he doesn't want to hear anything, arguing or not from a woman, or rather his woman.

Juan Pablo all I have to say about you is eye yie yie. Now let's all try and do the right thing by directing Nikki and Clare to the nearest CAPSA location.

Bachelor Review: Hometowns

Four has always seemed too many for meeting families.

First, Nikki takes us to Kansas to eat ribs and ride a fake bull. A cultured woman.

The two take it too far when bull riding becomes a team event. Gross.

Nikki's mom was quite excited about the whole thing. Her exuberance had me thinking perhaps the producers flubbed up and told her they were resurrecting Oprah's favorite things episode an she was going to be on it.

Her mom interviews her, she seemed really into this whole idea. You would be too, if you you thought Oprah was handing you gifts.

Then Nikki's dad interviews Juan Pablo as well as Nikki. It was so beautifully scripted. ABC did a great job hiring this family. I bought it hook line and sinker.

Nikki wanted to drop the L- bomb but ABC didn't include it in the script.

One down three to go.

Andi takes us to Atlanta. I've heard Atlanta is amazing, but we wouldn't know, we only saw an indoor shooting range. So, they do have those. Good to know.

At the shooting range we learn that Andi is a natural born killer. Comforting.

Juan can't hit the target to save his life.

Next they meet the fam. They are excited to have their Pookie home. No, no I'm not being nasty that's what they call their daughter. I guess that's how they do it in Georgia.

Andi's dad, Hy, is concerned about this process. Oh Come on Hy, this is a Hyliarious journey just try to enjoy it will you?

All Andi's mom was concerned with was getting to Salsa with Pablo. They ended the dance with a Hy five.

Her dad would not extend his blessing to Juan. Mostly because he is dating four women at the same time.
Andi has a chat with her sister who said, Andi are you Hy? You cannot really think you'll spend the rest of your life with him?" Andi cried.

To sum up the night Hy, obviously does not stand for Hell Yes. He strikes me as more of a Hell No kind of man.

Next Renee takes us to Florida. the two attend her son's Little League game.

Yes, she did introduce him to her son. Mistake. Big mistake.

Renee's mom just wants her to be happy. Her family was easy on him. Again, a mistake.

They saved the breast for last, Clare.

Sweet little manipulative Clare tours us through the rose garden's of Sacramento as she she reminisces about her late father. She has the sob story down. She's good, she's real good.

Clare is the youngest and prettiest of six girls. This means they hate her. It also means for the first time in this episode I was thoroughly entertained.

How much were you loving her sister Laura? Classic.

Laura insisted on badgering Clare and talking for Mama. And she did she really didn't let Mama say a word. Clare got all worked up. then a mother sister swoops in and tries to save the day. I smell a reality TV series out of this.

Juan Pablo charms the ever difficult Laura and smooths it over and once again peace is restored in the world of reality TV. Aren't we all so grateful for Juan Pablo?

Rose ceremony: Renee goes home! I told you it was a mistake to introduce him to your son! Renee has seemed reasonable and nice throughout this adventure so well knew it was only a matter of time.

But what's with the rejection hugs and hand holding?  If a guy dumps me on TV right after meeting my family and son I wouldn't walk away in his arms! I would get the Hy out of there.
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Bachelor Review: Week 7

Welcome to Miami! Oh good. I hope I can see some hot ladies in bikini's, again! This show is doing wonders for my self esteem.

Sharleen gets the first one-on-one. They hang out on a yacht, wait they make out on a yacht.

Sharleen says she longs for a cerebral connection with Juan. Oh my goodness Sharleen, have you not met Juan? He has no idea what that word means. Cerebral, what does that means?

Next we have a one-on-one with Nikki. They begin by picking out a bouquet. A bouquet for what you ask? For his daughter's dance recital.

Did that make you mad? It was like cheating. Nikki met his daughter, his parents and even his Baby Mama. He is the sleaziest! When just last week he told Clare he never even holds hands with a lady in front of his daughter. He is the worst! Wow, I just got slightly involved. I'll digress.

And what was Nikki wearing on this special date? A lingerie robe and top with daisy duke shorts? Not exactly a meet-the-parents outfit.

Later that night. He takes Nikki to his work, a baseball diamond where the Marlins play. He's a sport consultant, or maybe he's the janitor. Who cares?

Nikki and Juan play a friendly game of catch. She was wearing quite the outfit. It looked like a Marilyn Monroe top mixed with Julia Roberts skirt in Pretty Woman. It was not the kind of top you want to be playing catch in. I was nervous for her.

Sharleen decides to leave out of her own free will and choice. She mentioned to Juan on their date that she wished she was dumber, so she could go along with all this. Amen sister. Is this not what I have been telling you for years? If you are smart in any way, shape or form you will not survive. Whether it be her choice or his. This was always Sharleen's destiny.

Sharleen breaks it to Pablo. They have a whispering conversation to act like they did not want the cameras in on the fun, but we were there. We were there every step of the way. They were both in tears, but take heart it's for the best.

Next we have a group date. The ladies and Juan skip down to the beach. Juan spends some time with Clare and she fill his ears with exactly everything he wants to hear. She is good at that isn't she?

Andi is awarded the rose on the group date. Then they spend some time with each other that night. He take Andi dancing. She's a horrible dancer. Loved it.

While Andi and Pablo were salsa-ing the night away this allowed plenty of time for the ladies at the house to get in a bitch fight. And by girls I mean Nikki and Clare.

I am continually surprised that all the girls, every season, even pretend that they like each other. It's like a beauty pageant where they claim, "I've made 25 new best friends." And then when they hug one of them whip out a pair of scissors and chop the other girls locks off. You know it's that kind of stuff.

Clare and Nikki go at it for awhile. It was amazing. They are both deeply immature and therefore I'm thinking they will make it to the end.

The rose ceremony was one for the books. At one point Clare and Nikki were left alone together, which I'm sure was a fabricated situation from ABC. Thanks ABC. There was a long drone of silence between them and you could have cut the tension with a knife.

Chelsie was our goner for the night. Juan Pablo was very emotional about it. That or it was the humidity. They were in Miami after all.
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Bachelor Review: Week 6

A short review today. I was captured by the olympics and neglected this pathetic habit. Who am I?

Also, can I clear something up? If you are one of the few people in this country taking this show seriously. It won’t be worth it for to read on. It will break your little heart. This review is a mockery. That’s right folks, I LOVE to hate the Bachelor. And as it turns out hating comes naturally to me. I’m a tragedy, I know. 

Let’s begin shall we. We are on week 6, and here I felt like it was only yesterday that I met Juan Pablo. I guess this is what bliss feels like. Or at least that’s what Chris Harrison said I should think. 

(I'll add a caption to this photo. Juan is thinking, "What does that means?)

We’re going to New Zealand. “Yay.” They scream. Lots of bouncing, lots of surprised face clutches. Followed by more bouncing. 

The first one-on-one is awarded to Andi. They take a speed boat and then swim through some narrow cliffs and end in a waterfall. Why? Because it’s slightly adventurous and we get to see them in swim suits. ABC, doesn’t care that it was so cold they would likely need medical attention. You’ve got to give the people what they want. Thanks ABC, you’re the best. 

Bachelor Review: Week 5

This week we travel to Vietnam. It's the perfect place to fall in love or get rejected and take an incredibly long and humiliating flight home.

Renee grabs the first one-on-one. They start off their extravaganza with Juan Pablo biking Renee around. It was awkward because they could't talk but good for old Juan who probably had a perfect view down her shirt. Oh, what a sweet guy he is.

Renee gets measured for a a custom cultural dress, I noticed Juan payed close attention to the chest measurement. Ah, what a sweet guy.

Bachelor Review: Week 4

Our gracious and oh so helpful host, Chris Harrison, comes in to announce the group is off to South Korea. And this dumb group is thrown into a frenzy of excitement. It was, confusing. Juan Pablo that means I was confundido.

Then there is a group date wherein the girls get to be back up dancers for a group that calls themselves 21. Supposedly, 21 is a very hot, and happening band in Korea, but you and I have never heard of them, mostly because we do not live in Korea. Therefore this means nothing to us, here in the states, you know, the same states which airs, The Bachelor.

Bachelor Review: Week 3

Oh Juan Pablo. First we have a one-on-one with Cassandra. Or as Juan says it, “Casssssandra.”

They talk about being a single parent. Then they share photos of their little ones. Then they reminisce about being a parent. Next they talk about how serious they are about this journey because… you guessed it.. they are single parents. You guys! They have so much in common, they are both parents! 

And you know what, you cannot find a lot of parents in this world. It is such a unique characteristic.

But that car boat thing was bitchin. You got me abc, you got me good.

He gives beautiful Cassssandra a rose. I mean a rossse.

Next, a group date! Where the ladies participate in a huge girl fight camouflaged as a soccer game.

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The group date ended with a bunch of little private conversations. So while Pablo was with one girl the rest of the girls could talk shit on them. It was sweet.

Bachelor Recap: Week 2

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First we have a one on one with Claire.

Claire says, “I know this sounds crazy but this could be the first date with my future husband.” Claire that, indeed, sounds crazy.

Juan Pablo takes her to an artificial winter wonder land. she’s wearing heels because in 25 seasons they cannot give these girls a heads up.

Claire claims she is open to being open and she wants to open her heart, and wants to let her guard down and be open. This girl is deep folks.

Claire shares her sob story in the hot tub (Yes, I know you weren’t expecting a hot tub you were really taken by surprise by that one.) So far she’s playing the game right. You HAVE to have a sob story. Mark my words.

And dun dun dun she say’s, “I’m falling for this guy.” I did NOT see that coming. And now for the private concert.

There is a recipe I’ve learned from all my bachelor watching years it goes something like this: Amazingly expensive date not planned by him, a traveling hot tub accompanying every date you go one, then a private concert and lots of making out with no talking.

Meet Juan

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He doesn't like shirts. Already he seems like the most unique bachelor in bachelor history.

Despite that detailed introduction. Someone tell me is Juan from Desi's season (I missed that one)? Did you like him? Did he get very far?

They are really, really, really playing up the single dad bit. I’m okay when consenting adults exploiting themselves on this program, but I always feel bad for the kids. Wow that got real, I digress. 

Interestingly Juan is the first Latino bachelor, and would you believe it he looks a lot like every Caucasian male that has ever been on the bachelor. Oh abc you are so open minded.

Sean showed up on the scene to give Juan his advice. Or at least I think it was Sean he didn’t have a spray tan so I can’t be certain. Also he looked like shit. Oh come on, you were thinking it too. 

Juan wants to replace the word journey with adventure. Leave it to the guy who's second language is English to finally come up with another word.

Let’s move onto the ladies. All 27 of them, or at least the ones I can remember. 

One of the ladies went so far as to compose a fake court room and had the gaul to tell us she is an attorney. Is this like when Ashley said she was a dentist, but was actually just contemplating someday going to dental school? Lady, you can’t read one John Grisham novel, and call yourself an attorney.