Monday, February 3, 2014

Bachelor Review: Week 5

This week we travel to Vietnam. It's the perfect place to fall in love or get rejected and take an incredibly long and humiliating flight home.

Renee grabs the first one-on-one. They start off their extravaganza with Juan Pablo biking Renee around. It was awkward because they could't talk but good for old Juan who probably had a perfect view down her shirt. Oh, what a sweet guy he is.

Renee gets measured for a a custom cultural dress, I noticed Juan payed close attention to the chest measurement. Ah, what a sweet guy.

Then they float sweet little lantern wishes across the water. Her wish was a kiss from Pablo. He is still sticking to his guns about not kissing her because she has a son and he has a daughter.

I'm confused does this mean he does not have a daughter when he slips every other girl the tongue? Juan you are killing me with your swaying standards.

Renee wears the custom dress to dinner. He asks about her son's dad. They were married young and grew apart. Renee seems level headed and mature. These characteristics do not belong on this show, and therefore she will not last. I'm sorry, but you know it's true.

Next, a group date. The group wades through water in tiny boats fit for two. This means that the women start dating each other, so that Juan and Claire can have a one-on-one. How thoughtful of them.

Claire gets his full attention, and while she does, the other girls sit back and drown in their own jealously. I can't believe in the million seasons this show has been on there have only been four couples to make it. A mystery I tell you. An absolute mystery.

At one point Juan leaves the group date with Claire, they go to his suite and swim. Then they come back like nothing has happened. Oh Pablo, you are such a slime ball.

Later, much later, as in 4AM later. Claire comes a knockin. You know she just wanted to thank him for the nice day. And she did, she thanked the hell out of him. Wink wink.

Although Juan later comes to regret this, the show must go on. So he's up and at it bright and early to take Nikki on a one-on-one.

They repelled down a cave into a place called Hell. Well, guess what so did I. I'm watching this show aren't I?
Anyway Nikki was all sorts of nervous and our sweet Pablo was there to catch her fall. Meaning he was below her the whole time getting one hell of view. Ah, he is so sweet. I'm melting.

Nikki assimilates this activity to falling in love, because she was scared but she took a risk and trusted him. Nikki, you really should trust the guys harnessing you and tying the rope. Good old Juan didn't do shit. There's your life lesson sweetheart.

He likes what he sees in Nikki. Or at least what he saw of her on their descent to hell. So he gave the gal a rose.

The rose ceremony comes and he pulls Claire aside. Says that what they did was not fair to other other girls and also that their little deed was disrespectful because he has a daughter. What? He has a daughter? He's never mentioned that before.

Claire cries and carries on and the rest of the girls don't know what's up.

I would LOVE if all the ladies found out about their little scam called him out, not Claire and abandoned the show. How wonderfully refreshing would that be?

The fatalities of the night were Danielle, Alli and Kelly (Dog Lover). We didn't really know Danielle and Alli. And I'm still wondering how Kelly ever got the time off work, her work of being a dog lover, to come on this show in the first place.

All sorts of intriguing questions springing from this riveting episode. How will I ever sleep tonight?


  1. For those readers out there who have notice that my wife has been swearing less, is because she has had a standing new years resolution for the last 4 years to "swear less". The crazy thing is she accomplishes her goal every year!

    1. Did I swear in this post? Huh, I didn't notice.

  2. HA HA HA HA!! I love how you start off by saying that WE are traveling to vietnam! HA HA HA! Such an amazing journey. As ALWAYS your reviews are better than the actual show!! And yes, the viewers really are in Hell. HA HAH A! And congrats on your swear less resolution. But, I have to admit some of your nicely placed curse words make me laugh my ass off!! So, don't give it up all together my friend. ;-)

    1. See! You get it!:) Can't wait to see you at Book Club! I'm going to plan a bachelor viewing party one of these mondays. Maybe I'll wait for hometown dates???