Bachelor Review: Week 6

A short review today. I was captured by the olympics and neglected this pathetic habit. Who am I?

Also, can I clear something up? If you are one of the few people in this country taking this show seriously. It won’t be worth it for to read on. It will break your little heart. This review is a mockery. That’s right folks, I LOVE to hate the Bachelor. And as it turns out hating comes naturally to me. I’m a tragedy, I know. 

Let’s begin shall we. We are on week 6, and here I felt like it was only yesterday that I met Juan Pablo. I guess this is what bliss feels like. Or at least that’s what Chris Harrison said I should think. 

(I'll add a caption to this photo. Juan is thinking, "What does that means?)

We’re going to New Zealand. “Yay.” They scream. Lots of bouncing, lots of surprised face clutches. Followed by more bouncing. 

The first one-on-one is awarded to Andi. They take a speed boat and then swim through some narrow cliffs and end in a waterfall. Why? Because it’s slightly adventurous and we get to see them in swim suits. ABC, doesn’t care that it was so cold they would likely need medical attention. You’ve got to give the people what they want. Thanks ABC, you’re the best. 

Later they they tried to have dinner but were interrupted by glaciers leaving them soaked. It was funny. They were starving and so they tried to eat each others faces. Or maybe they were kissing I’ll let you decide. 

Next comes the group date. Juan Pablo planned such a fun date. Wrong. He plans and pays for nothing. Would these guys stop pretending they are responsible for some of the worlds most amazing dates. Enough!

The girls take turns rolling down a hill in a huge blown up ball. Sometimes they even get to take a turn with Juan. 

This date actually looked like a lot of fun, but did anyone realize they could have performed this activity fully clothed? But behold this is the Bachelor so the group stripped down to their bikinis they threw some water in the big ball things and made it look like a swimsuit was required. Thanks ABC, you’re the best. 

The next one-on-one goes to Clare, the most controversial bachelorette in Bachelor history. 

They have a picnic and talk about their mistake. Wink. Wink. 

Here’s the deal. Juan really is a manipulative little SOB. He barley takes responsibility for what he did with Clare. She pretends like he apologized so she can actually stomach continuing this journey.

Oh, and my favorite line from their date, Clare is trying to open up and says, “Usually when things get hard, I would BOLT.” Juan says, “BOLT? Whats does that means?” I loved it. 

They end the night in MC Hammer pants and she gives us the illusion that she’s not a total uptight, high maintenance princess. But, COME ON we all know she is. 

Juan pulls a fast one on us and sends Cassandra home. She’s the hot one with the son. Wait, that’s not enough clarity. She’s the hot one with a son who was a giddy about turning 22. A big whopping 22. 

Cassandra was yearning to ring in 22 with a rose. She got the opposite. Juan blew out her candles and told her she wasn’t the one. He was sent her home before the rose ceremony because he didn’t want to keep her from her son if he didn’t see a future with her. 

We were all suppose to think he was such stand-up-guy for this move. I know you weren’t buying it, but that was the intention. (Oh, Juan sorry you probably are not familiar with that expression, it means HONEST, like a guy with integrity.) 

Chris Harrison comes in for one of the most unproductive interviews in Bachelor history. Thanks Chris, you’re the best. 

Cat gets the boot. Like I say every week. She’s hot, she’s blond, she’ll be just fine.

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