Do you ever get so off track you let yourself sink deeper and deeper into your procrastination because it's easier that way? Well that's what I've been doing.
Sometimes I have this warped idea that if I can't do something perfect than I don't want to do it at all. I've been this way since I was a little kid. It has ridden me with anxiety and limited me significantly. However I heard a saying months back and it's been festering within me, "Anything worth doing is worth doing badly." -Julie Hanks.
When I heard these words from this self proclaimed 'recovering perfectionist' I let out a breath of air. It was like I had finally received permission to let myself proceed without the worry and burden of perfection.
So I guess that's the backstory as to why I haven't visited this blog lately. I always want things to come out perfect. I'm trying to let that go.
When I was in Elementary school I was an excellent speller. In fact I aced every spelling test for years. When I say I aced I mean I scored 100% on every single spelling test from about 2nd grade to 6th grade. Never misplacing a single letter. I remember having pretests. The teacher promised if we aced the pretest there was no need to participate in the final test. I never took the final test. Never.
In fourth grade their was an accelerated spelling program, basically we just got a different set of vocabulary words than the rest of the class. The teacher thought I would be a perfect fit for the program. I was in. Yet, the words were appropriately more challenging and I knew I would't be able to maintain my 100% status I had become known for.
I remember being constantly nervous. I would worry about the spelling list before I went to bed and most of the time my worry would keep me awake. My mom continually had to calm me down as a kid. She would lay me down, stroke my forehead, seeing the worry on my face she would say, "You've done everything you can do today. Now it's time to sleep." I would almost tear up each time she said this to me. To be quite honest in my adult life I have missed her nightly assurances.
There came a point in where my mom could see the pressure I was putting on myself was too much. We decided it would be best for me to longer be a part of the accelerated spelling program. My mom actually came to the school and talked to my fourth grade teacher about it. Mrs. Williams acted as if it was no big deal and allowed me to go back to the standard set of spelling words. Funny to see what had tormented me was actually quite minor.
However the lesson I'm trying to derive from this experience is not minor. It is the truest representation of how my need to be perfect, to get 100% held me back from learning more and being challenged. What if I had allowed myself to be brave, continue with the harder words and accept a 90% or an 80%? Can you imagine?