An Awful Dinner

Today was fine, until dinner. I try so hard. I honestly do. When I make a grocery list I look through my fridge and add items to the list that we are in need of. Then I look through my cook books and my pinterest board to determine the upcoming meals for the week. I try new meals and most of the dinners I cook are fairly healthy and also include at least a fruit or veggie on the side. As you can see planning, shopping and cooking meals is a big part of my job. To have my kids not touch their dinner is discouraging to say the least. But tonight was more than discouraging. This dinner was disgusting! Even to me, and I have labeled myself as the world's least pickiest eater. I mean, you guys, I love food, I love all food, I love all flavors and I even consider myself an adventurous eater. I actually think it's one of my better traits.

After I literally could not choke down my broccoli stuffed tillapia I began to question everything I was doing in my life. Thoughts started flooding my brain.  I'm not a good cook! Why do I try do hard? Was the fish even cooked all the way through? Aw shit I'm going to give my whole family food poisoning! What am I doing with my life? I'm not a good mother! What business do I have raising kids? Should I go back to work? Maybe the nanny could cook dinner? And to think I borrowed an egg for this god awful meal!  I f****ing HATE pinterest!

And now I know bad thoughts proceed bad actions. My daughter threw a fit because after I had given her a popsicle and then offered her another popsicle she instead wanted a chocolate Hostess cupcake. Admittedly she was probably starving. I know I was. I told her no. She threw a tantrum I told her to go to her room. She did not and then all hell broke loose. She escalated her fit and I began to yell. I absolutely hate this about myself. I grew up in a yelling kind of house and when I'm at the end of my rope, I yell. I lose it and I yell. It's awful. I felt horrible.

I left her in her room to scream and yell and went to the freezer retrieved the Hostess cupcake left over from when I had to bring soccer treats, and went into my closed garage and ate the coveted cupcake. I figure at this point you can't be all that surprised. I'm a bad tillapia cooking, yelling piece of shit. Did you really think I wasn't going to eat the cupcake she was crying over? If you did, then you have too much faith in me, and it is now time that I disappoint you.

So there I was crying in the garage and eating a cupcake. A low point for sure. My days at home with the kids are not easy and most of the time I question if this is what I should be doing. Especially on a day like today when it seems like I've done more harm to my family than good. I've heard a lot of women say they always knew they wanted to stay home with their kids. I, however, have always been open-minded about the idea of working or not working. But I fear this open-mindedness has somehow turned into constant doubt. I wish I could embrace the chaos more than I'm able to and march confidently through motherhood. But for now I'm going to eat some oatmeal in my messy kitchen that reeks of fish, because I'm starving. Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow.