An Awful Dinner

Today was fine, until dinner. I try so hard. I honestly do. When I make a grocery list I look through my fridge and add items to the list that we are in need of. Then I look through my cook books and my pinterest board to determine the upcoming meals for the week. I try new meals and most of the dinners I cook are fairly healthy and also include at least a fruit or veggie on the side. As you can see planning, shopping and cooking meals is a big part of my job. To have my kids not touch their dinner is discouraging to say the least. But tonight was more than discouraging. This dinner was disgusting! Even to me, and I have labeled myself as the world's least pickiest eater. I mean, you guys, I love food, I love all food, I love all flavors and I even consider myself an adventurous eater. I actually think it's one of my better traits.

After I literally could not choke down my broccoli stuffed tillapia I began to question everything I was doing in my life. Thoughts started flooding my brain.  I'm not a good cook! Why do I try do hard? Was the fish even cooked all the way through? Aw shit I'm going to give my whole family food poisoning! What am I doing with my life? I'm not a good mother! What business do I have raising kids? Should I go back to work? Maybe the nanny could cook dinner? And to think I borrowed an egg for this god awful meal!  I f****ing HATE pinterest!

And now I know bad thoughts proceed bad actions. My daughter threw a fit because after I had given her a popsicle and then offered her another popsicle she instead wanted a chocolate Hostess cupcake. Admittedly she was probably starving. I know I was. I told her no. She threw a tantrum I told her to go to her room. She did not and then all hell broke loose. She escalated her fit and I began to yell. I absolutely hate this about myself. I grew up in a yelling kind of house and when I'm at the end of my rope, I yell. I lose it and I yell. It's awful. I felt horrible.

I left her in her room to scream and yell and went to the freezer retrieved the Hostess cupcake left over from when I had to bring soccer treats, and went into my closed garage and ate the coveted cupcake. I figure at this point you can't be all that surprised. I'm a bad tillapia cooking, yelling piece of shit. Did you really think I wasn't going to eat the cupcake she was crying over? If you did, then you have too much faith in me, and it is now time that I disappoint you.

So there I was crying in the garage and eating a cupcake. A low point for sure. My days at home with the kids are not easy and most of the time I question if this is what I should be doing. Especially on a day like today when it seems like I've done more harm to my family than good. I've heard a lot of women say they always knew they wanted to stay home with their kids. I, however, have always been open-minded about the idea of working or not working. But I fear this open-mindedness has somehow turned into constant doubt. I wish I could embrace the chaos more than I'm able to and march confidently through motherhood. But for now I'm going to eat some oatmeal in my messy kitchen that reeks of fish, because I'm starving. Here's to hoping for a better tomorrow.

He is two!

Mack you have been two for a month now and I have wanted to jot a few things down about who you are and what you like.

You have the deepest little laugh. Your big laugh has never match your tiny body. Every time you laugh we can't help but laugh along with you.

You run is to die for. When you run you pump your arms side to side as if it is what propels your legs.  It's too funny.

You have a mischievous grin and you LOVE getting into trouble. You adore your older sister. You don't quite know what to do with yourself when Milly is not around. In fact you wander around the house spouting, "Miyy-ee, Miyy-ee."

You are a daddy's boy. When dad is around you want nothing to do with me. If I'm being honest I'm kind of jealous. When dad is home you are right by his side or on his lap. You follow him as he mows the lawn. Whatever dad is doing you try your best to do it just life him. In the morning you want to get dressed right away in the hopes that you will be able to go with dad. It kind of breaks my heart.

You aren't scared of much. When we are at the park you will climb up anything and slide down the steepest slide you can find. You get frustrated when you are unable to do everything Milly does. I believe you think you are four not two.

You have more energy then we know what to do with. You love playing with older kids. Everything you touch you throw. You love playing at the park and riding around in your red car.

Mack you continue to be the most handsome little kid around. When I look at you I can't believe you are mine. How did I get such a cute, fun and rambunctious little guy? I'm so blessed to have you in my life! I will try my hardest to keep up with you.

Love,
Mama

St. George Report

Mason and I took off to Sunny St. George for our 7th anniversary. It was the perfect get away. No kids. No schedules. Warm weather. We ate way too much. Read a bit and went for a long bike ride. 

Every year on our anniversary I create a timeline highlighting a few significants the year has granted us. I hand the sheet of paper over to Mason on our Anniversary. He laughs and then we file it away. I can't wait to sit back with Mason and read 50 of these timelines. Mason it's been another memorable year. We've lived in two homes. We have two beautiful children and a life I'm astonished by. For this year's time line click on read more.

The Flu of 2014

 I have to record our episode with the flu just so I remember that we actually survived it. A couple of weeks ago Milly came home with the flu. Puke, puke and more puke. Then she passed it onto Mack. Next it was me and lastly Mason. We were SO sick. I cannot remember a time when I have been subject to this kind of sickness. It was intense. Mason and I actually had a little trip planned that we had to delay. We had to call in help for our kids because we literally could not take care of them. We are better now. Thank goodness. The picture above displays just how worn out we were.

Here is Mack making us laugh and trying to keep things light. I love this little funny guy.

Skiing with Kids

Ski Day March 2014

I've always wanted to teach my kids to ski. Saturday we went up with both kids. Gulp.
Milly did wonderfully. After lunch she wanted to go back out. That's a victory in my mind.

As I sat there on the lift with daughter, just me and her. I was taking in the view of the snowy mountains while Milly was detailing all the shapes and colors on her skis. It was one of the most peaceful and satisfying moments I have spent with my daughter. I almost teared up right there on the lift thinking; I'm doing what I've always wanted to do. I'm Skiing with my kids. Furthermore my life is what I always wanted it to be. One of the things I love about being in the snow is how you get sun from the sky and the snow. It was a bright day in a myriad of ways. Milly I love being your mom.

A Day at the Park

Sometimes I'm a fun mom. On this particular day I was a fun mom for a whole hour and this is what we did. My kids love this park. I'm lucky to be their mom.

2,190 Days

Do you remember this post? Well our sixth anniversary came and went. I don't know how we evolved from two to four in just six years but somehow we did.

For this years timeline..

Easter 2013

Easter is Milly's kind of holiday. She participated in three Egg Hunts. Ate lots and lots of candy and woke up to a new dress on Easter Sunday. I want her life.

Milly age 3. Mack age 6 months. I love these little kids.

A Cold Day and a Good Book

Her First Ski Day

I have video that I can't wait to show you, but for now I hope this picture will suffice.

Milly, you have no idea how long your Dad and I have waited for this day. Dad got on the patrol because someday he wanted his family to be able to ski. Twelve years later, you made that someday possible.
I just about cried when you requested, "More skiing." For the first few runs your dad and I took turns holding you in between our legs. On the third time down Dad gave you little more freedom and only used the harness. You were scared and nervous but you quickly got the hang of it. I thought we'd just do the magic carpet all day, but you demanded to go on "The big swing." You were great on the lift and absolute pleasure to be around. Milly you are growing up quickly and we are so proud of the little girl you are turning into.

 Love you with all of my heart.

Love, 

Mom and Dad 

It's where you'll find them

Lately Milly seems to have taken a liking to this little brother of hers. She'll lay right by him and exclaim, "Two babies." She reads to him and rubs his forehead when he's crying in an attempt to calm him down. Mack loves when he can get attention from her. It kind of melts my heart. Milly you're a great big sister.

Christmas 2012

Yes still playing catch up. Better late than never. For Mack it was all a first for Milly it's all a Dress-up.

What a Difference a Year Makes...

Happy Thanksgiving

Today I am grateful for the M's in my life.

photo credit

Milly, I am thankful that you are the happy healthy bubbling toddler that you are. I am thankful that you are all tutu and princess one minute and the next you have us calling you doggy and answering us in only ruff tones while asking us to turn your bed into a dog house. You are funny, imaginative, and I hope you never stop shaking when you get excited.

Mack, You are this season's miracle. Your dad and I feel too blessed to have not one but two healthy kids come to us. You have a sweet demeanor and I can't stop kissing your precious little face. You are an adorable baby. People stop me wherever I go just to grab a glance of you. And then they undoubtedly exclaim, "That hair!" Mack your full head of hair has everyone shocked. You have been a calm presence in our home and I pray I can be the mom for you that you need me to be.

Mason, You have made this charmed life we all live possible. I love you more with every passing year. You are a better husband, father and person than I ever thought I could be matched with.

Happy Halloween

Mom thank you for the costume. Chelsi Mack's hat couldn't have been cuter. Jenn I'm cherishing these pictures. Thank you!

Trick or Treat

From Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolf

Does the Wolf look more scared than Little Red Riding Hood? Hmm...

So this is how we're doing...

One kid has usually covered herself with marker while the other gets mauled to death.

Let's just say my respect for those of you handling two or more kids grows with every time-out.

Behind every new sibling there is a struggling toddler

Don't let her charming smiles fool you. This little gal has been challenging us ever since Mack arrived on the scene. I do feel bad that her life has suddenly shifted from only child to oldest child. She has us wondering daily if she'll ever forgive us for having another baby.

Tell me mommies who have been there. How did you help your older child adjust to your newer child? Advice? Suggestions?

A Summer Highlight

Summer 2012 included a lot of trips to the pool. And for Mason a lot of trips up the water tower. As Milly repeatedly requested, "More slide, more slide."

A Zoo Day

Such an eventful weekend! First, the little sister got married. Oh my goodness the the baby is married. The next day we took the little girls to the zoo. Then a birthday celebration was in order. Lets just say my mother needs a major stay-cation.
After all the events Milly was exhausted by the time we got around to the Zoo. Yet she has been talking non-stop about all the animals she saw.

Milly you are exhausting, amazing and adorable. We love you!